WHEN YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, I'M YOUR MAN

Who are you going to vote for Central Campus' SGA Pres? No one is running...

(Commentary)

By Brendan Connolly

Staff Writer

“Winston Churchill said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried…or wait, maybe it was Joe the Plumber, no it was definitely Churchill, definitely, I think…”
-Brendan Connolly

My fellow Broward Collegians my name is Brendan Connolly, as if you didn’t already know that, and this is my bid for the Central Campus Student Government Presidential position. And even though, as I write this, there is no one, technically, running and I missed the entry date for the exploratory committee, I hope you don’t hold it against me. Help a brother out.

Write me in.

Show those fat cats and blue-toothed Tories in Building 19, who say they have the pulse of the student body, just what makes you tick. Together, yes you can, get me into elected office. My platform is a melting pot of ideas, fueled by my own hot air.

I say smoke wherever you want. These nicotine terrorists, constantly spreading their message of fascism, will not bully us into the corner.
Vote for me. Vote for loose change.

I promise I will fill my cabinet with all the top names: Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, and the distinguished and stately Jim Beam. The stimulus plan they bring to the table will leave you under it wanting more, despite the headache of their complex directives.

I can bridge the fundamental divide of the stratified abscesses between the haves and the have a hangovers. And even though I probably won’t get to shake your hands, let it be known I don’t really want to anyway.
One more term, at least.

I vow an aggressive new public works project called the “Parking for the Universalization and Socialisumption of the Parking Protocol Initiative.” I had to make up words just to explain it. Everyone will be assigned a numbered parking space, regardless of car ownership.

Read my lips, “No new math classes.”

Gone will be the days of the previous administration, especially their “trickle down GPA” ideology.

During my reign, any student with a 3.2 and above will be subject to a more stringent workload to spread the grades around evenly. Students below this ceiling will be given a .7 increase to their GPA to close the gap and restore the middle class.

I am pro-choice: Bottles, Cans, Draft. Make your own decisions. I don’t want to make them for you.

All I can really say to you is I hope. I hope you help me become what I have always wanted to be. A chairman sitting easy in a big easy chair.

With me in the top spot, you can rely on my selfishness, pretentiousness, narcissism, and complete devotion to laziness to ensure you won’t even know I’m there. So on whatever day, whatever time they decide to actually have the election, and you look and don’t see my name, remember, Brendan Connolly can possibly do it better than someone else.

I’m the best you got.

Oh yeah, and may God bless something or other you hold dear.